I was sweaty, I was hot, but off we went. We arrived in Germany, then Lyon, then a taxi-van to Albertville and our apartment. I don't remember if we unpacked then or just collapsed and breathed for a while.
In that apartment our landlord, Maria, had left some canned essentials. The 1st of January is a holiday, so no stores would be open. She invited us to a party that night, a crepe cake and champagne. I had never had either of those two items. It was a nice party, there were other renters who spoke english, a Norwegian couple, but everything else was incomprehensible for us (even though George, the Norwegian, translated for us).
I sometimes wonder what they actually said that day.
When I think about the last eight years, I think first about all the things at which I've failed. It is just sort of a function of my brain. Lot's of understanding and grace for others, but for myself, not so much.
I've forgotten a lot of things. I've missed meetings, failed at tasks, promised things I didn't follow through on, gotten lost. I've misjudged some people and situations, taken some fairly foolhardy risks.
I'm not writing that for pity or anything, but more or less writing for honesty sake. Not everything has gone as I wanted it the last eight years. Not everything has happened as it should have. Some of that, for sure, it outside of my control, but it was still lived.
Usually, and when I was first thinking what to say, we balance that with the good. We call it the "sandwich" here. Americans in particular start off with positive or negative, and end with the other. It's like in our culture to balance things out.
But what is the good? Helping people. Starting new things. Opening new conversations. Doing absurd things. I have all of these exact details, but I don't really want to go into it.
Why?
Because it just continues on the struggle between balancing the good and the bad. It continues on the struggle between justifying any number of things. It continues the self worth struggle.
In my faith system, Christianity, which for many of you are familiar with and live it well every day, we are asked to be. Where other "faiths" say not-be, Jesus Christ asks us to be in him. I think the common english word in the Bible translation is to "abide" in him. Rest in him. Act in him. Be in Him.
When we accept any more or any less, we aren't doing what he says. When I am being the leader in my head, I am not being in him. When I am following along, numbly, I am not being in Him.
We have some fantastic examples in the last 2000 years of people being in Him. They come from all different currents of Christianity but they are all being in Him. They bring glory to Him. Recently, a friend asked, "why worship God"? Some have even flatly said a God who demands worship is not worthy of any sort of worship.
Worship is certainly music, prayer, reading, giving gifts, etc. What worship is, to me, is being in God to give Him glory. I don't always worship God. Some days, I worship me! I like it! But actually, I don't. Why? Because I know that God wants my worship. Not because he is egotistical or because he is like a little spirit child worried about people leaving, but because He knows that THAT space is the best and most fruitful space for any human to live in.
I say all of that, because I want you to know that we are all marking anniversaries all the time. Some of them are moments since we moved some place, a moment since we finally got over that disease, a moment since someone walked away, or since we walked away. A moment that brings great joy, a moment that brings great dread. Regardless the "x years since" know that every moment since then has counted. Every moment since then you've been living somewhere. You've been abiding somewhere.
Abide in the good place of God. When the brain heeps regrets or failure, be in the good place of God. When the brain says victory and overcoming, be in the good place of God.
Paul of Tarsus, a bible writer, church planter, Christian, said "Forgetting (leaving) what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."